You said you didn’t want to end up as an entry on this thing then you did something entry worthy

and I thought about it, thought it wasn’t even important enough, but since I can’t stop fucking thinking about you, well here ya go. In a way I’m thankful of course for you and every other bad decision I’ve made because I always learn from my mistakes. And each time I get hurt by someone it’s new and different yet also so god damn familiar. But I want to thank you specifically from turning me all the way off from a string of bad destructive behaviors. I now see my value so much more clearly because you could not. I thought you did, and I’m still convinced that person I had feelings for is there, but you decided to fuck this up for both of us. You really shit the bed, hard.

i know I’ll never understand rejection. Mostly because the people rejecting me are doing it out of fucking left field. They are in and then one day they hate me, I’m a psycho, i’m gross… I don’t really know because I haven’t gotten a straight answer out of the 7 grown adult males who have decided I’m not worthy these past two years. Hurts every time. That’s why every time I’ve had to end something with someone I give them ample time to turn things around and a thorough explanation if it’s just not getting there. Common fucking courtesy.

Apparently though there’s this pseudo boundary generating machine built into the narcissistic experience where “I don’t owe you an explanation for my feelings” is an actual thing dickheads think is ok to say to someone who is doing nothing but being supportive kind and caring. I’ve said it before and I’ll never stop saying it, to everyone who is left hanging by some piece of shit who changed their mind about you over night, you are not the sum of others reactions to you. Unless of course you’re problematic and reactionary. I don’t know those people though. I stay far away from those.

Man this one’s not funny. I’ve just been pushed too far. The next person who gets to get close to me is going to have to jump through so many god damned hoops. I hate that. I hate that I have these walls up now. I know it’s for self protection and I know I will have more wholesome experiences living like this. But it makes me sad. I can’t trust anyone anymore. Between the blatant red flags and the lies there’s virtually no human connection left out there. I’m sad for myself but I’m also sad for humanity.

yes things are sad. But I am able to hold on tightly to the positive aspects. I’ve grown from this hurt. I’ve also gained several new and old friendships through commiserating about how dumb boys are. There are actually good solid people out there who are not afraid to show who they are to others because they too have gotten hurt and seen it’s ok, you get through it.

when you inevitably read this I hope you’re suffering. You don’t get to treat good people bad and feel good about it. You fucked up. And you fucked up with the wrong person. I hope life treats you poorly until you learn how to be nice to those who are trying to lift you up.

also don’t tell my best friend you think you’re more intelligent than me and that you’re “struggling” with that. Get the fuck over yourself. You’re nothing special.

Edit:

My last entry, while heartfelt, was the result of being emotionally manipulated by a sad individual who may or may not have had legitimate feelings for me, but turned it into me feeling stupid for assuming “I love you” meant just that. An actual conversation I had ended with me having to say, “are you asking me what “I love you” means?” which is a weird question to have to ask and then have to define but I feel there is a pretty average baseline meaning of that phrase that doesn’t need to be explained when you say it to someone. You don’t hear in movies, “I love you. But only when I’m feeling it and I won’t let you know those times and it’s going to only happen for a few days at a time if the sun has been out in the months of April, July, or November.” Usually you just say it BECAUSE IT LITERALLY ONLY MEANS ONE THING. But I digress. I do stand by my last entry but I have a lot more information now that I know what motivated that scenario in the first place. I knew something was feeling wrong and whether or not I was able to communicate that properly I was still being made to feel like I was “being too emotional” or “over-reacting” or any number of things emotional manipulators make you feel when their deranged flimsy theories are being questioned.

To all the people out there (and myself) being effected by this, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I am not a doctor but it’s starting to feel like most people you meet might want to take advantage of your inherent generosity so it’s time I internalize those signs along with building coping mechanisms for those times I don’t see them in time.

Preparing my body, mind, and spirit for my next entry where I release the heat generated from the past 3 months of excessive energy being put into that mess of an interaction with this person…

First Day Sober

That’s right guys. I’ve decided to take the first step in the road to recovery. Hi my name is not important, and I’m addicted to conflict.

I was recently told by someone I disagree with that I might be addicted to conflict. A quick look into my past and anyone that’s even heard the word “therapy” would agree. It would seem to some (not me) that one of my favorite past times is telling everyone how wronged I’ve been by someone and “can you even believe this?!?” or “why does this always happen to me??” I bet you have no idea what it feels like to have the whole entire world out for your own personal destruction. Yeah didn’t think so. This is a very singular experience according to my own diagnostics.

As a 35 year old woman I am just now coming to grips that I might be a touch hysterical from time to time. For a life time of not understanding the bad feelings from childhood to adolescence, bleeding into young adulthood and too far into adulthood to for it to still be cute, I think I’ve finally been told and heard that I need to FUCKING CHILL. This is an incredibly foreign concept to me. Chill? Calm? Reasonable and logical? What the fuck are those even words?

Maybe every Joe Shithead that told me “it’s just not the right strain, man!” was right and I should have utilized that time to create a chemical dependency for this variety of coping but guess what I didn’t and I’m still an undiagnosed anxious mess thinking the worst all the time.

What I can say for myself though is that I’ve learned SOME things.. only a few though.

Work place bullies has been a fun thing I’m always dealing with. Everything from being told I’m a liar (about my work) to that I threw out a birthday cake in the women’s bathroom garbage. Yes, this is a real story. I can wish all I want that I had the tools I have today to have been able to combat that level of insanity but I didn’t and I let many people at my places of work get inside my head in real bad ways. And almost every time in a gross turn of events, I pretty much ended up getting fired for it (not understanding what was happening or how to stand up for myself). Yet today I stand victorious as I have officially outlived a work place bully! She didn’t die, she just got fired. But I feel purple heart levels of accomplishment. This time I didn’t try to patch the work relationship to a manageable work environment. I let this persons crazy run itself out. I had a lot of help and support along the way which was also different and new. I was able to stay somewhat clear headed while being screamed at for things I didn’t do and instead of feeding into it and screaming back about how that’s not true (no evidence, HR won’t care), I stood back and let it happen. What a completely different experience. To be an observer instead of falling into my instinctual role of problem solving. While it was a frustrating 4 months of this, whatever alchemy I did, worked.

Now onto the final boss, myself. The biggest bully of them all. Somewhere in between self destruction and self protection is a sweet spot of clear communication and maintained happiness that I want. Gimme!! Actually does it come in a pill form? Well, until there is a pill form, I guess I have to start being more active in my reception of feedback. I thought I was this open, transparent, cool person but in this journey of self preservation I lost that somewhere and started to shut out input. Scary as it is, I don’t know everything about myself even though I was very sure I had cracked all the codes to my psyche. Stupid thing didn’t come with instructions.

I feel wiped out and head emptied. But it feels good. Change and growth have never scared me. But shame and humility do. Especially when I thought I had already conquered those things. Turns out you’re in a constant state of being a piece of shit and it just changes shapes and colors. Need a better balanced diet, you misshapen idiot.

On this season of Journey to the Center of the Self we will be exploring the ways in which we fail ourselves and others with a few deep dives into the rare successes. Stay tuned for our big finale where we reveal the secret to unending happiness!

don’t make me leave my bed! and other cruel things my friends make me do.

I have got some pretty crazy stories. Some pretty unbelievable stuff! Literally. People who know me now do not believe me when I tell them I went to a hospital on E wearing a gold spandex body suit. That’s not something I could even think of making up. Nor would I have done anything differently that night. Except maybe had a little bit more water. When I tell people about that time in my life it’s hard for them to imagine the person who doesn’t want to leave their house after dark and couldn’t POSSIBLY be bothered with going further than a 10 mile radius from my home ever stayed out till the sun came up dancing with strangers and then started back up as soon as the sun was going down again. Heck, I can’t even believe I used to be like that. I hate going out so much now that it’s fascinating to me I used to basically be the opposite. Like, where did that party animal go? Who is this new, tired, flabbier person? I guess the perks of my lifestyle now is that I have full access to a fully plumbed bathroom, a nice soft bed that’s all mine, and endless time for watching all the HBO shows I never had access to before.

I’m pretty content though sitting around and soaking in the nothingness as often as possible. I feel like I’m still tired from 5 years ago. Is this what your 30s are? Just reality setting in that you’re still no where in your life and only slightly better at eating enough fruits and veggies. Call it what you will I suppose but theres a lot out there that I am trying to hide from and feeling pretty successful at accomplishing that.

I don’t think it’s wrong to want to have some alone time. Even if that alone time takes me into the next decade of my life. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that lifestyle I just might have gotten burnt out on it. I’ve tried to go out and meet people and socialize the same way and it’s so god damn boring and awful. Have people forgotten how to interact? Or have my standards just become so intolerably high? Or was I just always this insufferable? I may never know those answers. But Lord have mercy on your soul if you think you’re going to see me out without a months notice. And don’t think there isn’t still the chance I will back out day of because of a migraine or general sense of dread. Just let me live. Or die. Or whatever I need to feel whole again! And I don’t know when that will be! But please leave me alone until then!

In summation, this perfect storm of late onset depression and anxiety has left me feeling very comfortable hanging out with my 3 ferrets, watching movies everyone’s seen except for me, and bedazzling statuettes in all of my free time. It’s also cheaper. So if you want that life too, I’m here. Come hang out! But only for like 3 hours because then I will need a nap. Oh and bring froyo.

Be careful how you wish for (the genie might put their own meaning to your words)

I just started awake from a dream where I was helping a customer, or so I thought. A few dream minutes later and I see this customer standing with my boss and I get that hot but also moist feeling (not the cute kind). The customer starts going on and on about how they’ve ‘never been so insulated in their life’ by what I was saying. I let them finish screaming and then I calmly yet profusely apologize for how ‘inconsiderate I was’ and how ‘that was not at all my intention’. My dream was nearing its end because my body was feeling the same physical effects of a nightmare and trying to wake me up. It did just that, just as I started to attempt to smooth things over with my boss. I was starting to say, “I know I came off as very pompous and not helpful but what I thought I was sounding like was motivational and thorough.”

Now I can’t account for how that conversation might have ended, in the dream or in real life, because what this dream is very clearly dictating to me is my lifelong struggle with articulating my thoughts. Even in writing this I’m not sure I’m saying things how I’m meaning them but that’s now in God’s hands. At times, most times really, I’ve thought I’m saying or sounding one way and it’s being taken not at all in that way. I take full responsibility for my choice of words in these scenarios because I know my M.O. a lot of the time is to sound confident in the things I say so that no one will ever know or even think I’m stupid in any way. But what this dream also very clearly pointed out was that you can never really trust what someone else is hearing when you’re speaking. There is an unwritten agreement that when you are having a conversation with someone that they are listening, computing, and fairly assessing your words. Clearly, some people have signed a different unwritten agreement in which when people say things to them, they hear antagonizing tones and condescension.

This is frustrating. I don’t know if other humans have this issue as frequently as I do but I’m trying to adapt my speech patterns so this stops.  I guess a smarter person might tell me that it never stops. Fine, that’s fair.  But could the results please stop being so detrimental? I’ve lost so many jobs over a miscommunication that I’ve just assumed that’s how my life will be; getting torn back down to zero and rebuilding who I am every couple of months. There has to be a better way. Don’t worry, I’ve picked up a little on how to manipulate people because I’m 32 and by god if I haven’t learned a thing or two by now then there’s really no hope for me. But I’m learning, it’s ok to not say what you mean but rather what someone wants to hear. This requires gymnastic level thinking and chess level assessment. As someone who “has such great potential” but “gets easily distracted” from kindergarten reports through to senior year of high school, this has proven difficult for me. But my only game plan as it stands is to continue to take the punches because my brain refuses to be smarter.

I’d love to blame my parents or the school systems, society as a whole, and I do! But none of those things can get me where I need to be. That’s up to a hope and a prayer. Which is what I take with me now when I’m betrayed by my own words (as the dream portrayed) or conversely when other people are being stuck up dicks.

Well, this has been fun if you want a really good show, grab a fold-out chair and heat up some popcorn. The next viewing is tomorrow at 4:15 when I inevitably shove my foot in my mouth about something trivial at my next interview.

and the echoing begins…

HELLOOOOOOOO-OOO-OOO-oo-oo-o.

I’M IMPORTANT-ANT-ANT-ant-nt-t.

MY THOUGHTS AND IDEAS ARE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE-QUE-que-que-qqq-qq-q.

So I haven’t posted on live journal in a while, it’s good to be back.

I would assume 2018 is the perfect time to get into blogging. I’ve always been super hip to trends. I’ve already become more education through this process by learning that a “blog” is a truncation of the word weblog. I could have put money down on that it was just called blog from the start, I would have believed that.

I was recently told and promptly accepted as fact that they’ve extended the amount of time you are considered a teenager into your mid 20’s. I don’t know who decided this but I like it. That takes so much accountability off me for how my life has gone thus far. I bet I would have excelled in one of those communities where you’re given a task and that’s what you do forever. And you become a parent at 13. And you die at 35. That really sounds like the ideal scenario for me. Get in, do your thing, and get out before it gets bad. Or get eaten by wolves, whichever happens first.

I’d like to formally welcome anyone who is reading this train wreck. Hi. Welcome! I’m having fun, are you? I sure hope so. If not, please leave comments in your own damn brain ’cause I’m not your mom and I don’t have a quarter to give you to call someone who cares.

Please come back though because I need validation from strangers because they don’t know me well enough to despise me yet. The perfect interaction.

Stay cool ya’ll, it’s summer. Spring was canceled.